I have been avoiding the subject of how I am, because I have not felt like things were changing or getting better for a while.  However, over the past few weeks, I have seen some major improvements.  I can really say now that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  For the past 7 months I have been sick over my condition, and mostly the decision that I made to have this surgery.  I can finally say that I can see the big picture.  I am glad I did it, and I know it is going to make my life better.

I am no where close to 100%.  I think that will take another 6 months to a year (at least).  I would say that I am doing great.  I feel great, I am moving much better, and I finally like the way that things are going.

Things I can share with you this week about what I have learned along my journey…

-Be true to your dreams, and they will be true to you.

-Persistence trumps everything, even in the depths of your trials.

-If you stick with something you will find success.

-The most growth you find in yourself, comes in the hardest moments of our life.

I would not change even one moment I have had throughout this trial, but I am glad to be looking back on it rather than trudging through it.  It is time for me to move forward, to have fun, and to live again.  I am embracing that, and excited for what is to come…

A few weeks ago I went on a shoot with my good friend Melissa.  We have several concept shoots planned with our kids for the summer months.  I adore these pictures and can not wait for our next little adventure!  Melissa and I threw this together in a day, and gathered stuff from around our house.  ALL OF OUR KIDS were soooo good and so patient.  The greenhouse we went to was BEAUTIFUL, and so much fun to shoot in.  I can not wait for our next session!

These were Olives 6 month pics.

1st place in Trampoline

3rd place in Double Mini

5th place on Floor

Physical therapy is going good. Although I have not made much progress in general, it is moving slowly in the right direction. My goal is simple… I don’t need to be a dancer for the Aggiettes. I just want to be able to go up and down stairs, ride a bike, and do pilates. Basically, I just want to be able to live a life doing the basic things that I enjoy. You know, dance in the kitchen while I make those amazing dinners that use to go down every day at the Smith house. I am hoping that within the next couple of months I will be there. Ok, I am praying it will all come together in the next couple of months.

For now, I am really in a lot of pain still. Still on more meds than I want to be on. I developed a sympathetic nervous disorder that sends stabbing shooting pains all over my leg. There are a coule of things that I can do to treat it, but I am hoping that by ignoring the problem it will go away. Oh, don’t look at me that way… I know it is not probably the smartest thing I have ever done but I can not bare having another set back, and there are too many opportunities for disaster by being so invasive one more time.  Can you tell I am so over all of this????

My little family is starting to get back to normal.  I have some pictures of Olive to share in a few days, but for now I have to brag about my two older kido’s.  We went to Vegas with Hunter for a soccer tournament two weekends ago, and then last weekend Ry had a Tumbling meet.  They both did great!  Here they are with their medals.

They set a pic line in my right arm and sent me home.  For the next 8 weeks I would have 6 hours of iv antibiotics a day.  I spent weeks in bed.  I Threw up more times than I care to remember.  I Passed out, or got ghostly white and light headed any time I would be up.  I struggled to get to physical therapy, let alone do physical therapy.  I experienced some ups and what felt so many downs I don’t want to even recall it.  My biggest challenge was trying to stay positive.

On December 6th, I went back under Anastasia for a manipulation.  That is where they put you to sleep and force your knee to bend and straighten.  Part of me was anxious to get things moving again, and I was scared and down at the thought of being in a lot of pain again.  I had no idea what I was in for, but this was the worst part of my experience so far.  I came to in excruciating pain.  I screamed every time I moved.  On my way from the car to my room my mom was feeling faint because I was in such agonizing pain.  Something I would love to forget but not sure that I will any time soon.

Over the next 2 to 3 weeks, things slowly got better.  My extention got a lot better, and my pain level got better as well.  And now, here we are.  I am still struggling a lot with my flexion, still walking with a cane, still sleeping on a cpm machine.  So, here we go again.  I am going in to have a second manipulation most likely next week.  I want to scream. I want to be so angry with life, and with my decision, but all I can do is just keep working my butt off, keep enduring the pain, and keep hoping that this will end sooner than latter.

In the mean time, my mom and dad are still living with us, across the hall.  My dad takes me to every therapy visit and has become my buddy since I can’t drive on the heavy narcotics I am taking.  My mom has become nana mama as we call her.  My baby is so attached to her!  She cooks, cleans, is my personal therapist and cheer leader through the thick and the thin…  Dan, although he acts like he always has it together, I think he is just surviving most of the time.  I think the biggest responsibility, and weight rests square on his shoulder.  He is  honestly incredible…  We are both just so grateful to have my parents and their help!  We often look at each other and say what would we do without them.

I wish I could turn back time and change my decision to do this.  BUT I can’t.  So, I just have to keep marching (or limping) forward until I can see the end of it all.  I have had some pretty powerful experiences and received countless blessings and in that way, I know I did what I was suppose to do.  I just wish it to all be behind me.

My husband pulled Christmas together in an amazing fashion.  My mom spent 2 days locked in her little room wrapping presents, and we still had a lovely Christmas.  My kids still are not skipping a beat because of all of the love we still have around us.

So, I will write again in a couple of weeks.  My hope is that my knee will be moving and I will finally be on the mend.  That this procedure will work, and will finally be the answer. This has been a big mountain to climb, and I believe I can see the top, but I just have to clear a few more big rocks to get there.

Before the surgery they hooked me up to an antibiotic.  They were running a bit behind so they opened it wide up and pumped it into my vein fast!  All of the sudden my face started to burn and my head started to itch.  I looked at Dan and said go get a nurse I am having an allergic reaction to the drug.  I am allergic to EVERYTHING under the sun from foods, to nature, to drugs, to lotions, and aromas.  It is annoying and ridiculous.  I was not surprised I was sensitive to the antibiotic.  It was actually a pretty common reaction, they call it red man’s syndrome and it is specifically caused by infusing the drug too quickly.  After they slowed it down all went well.  Before long I was wearing my open back gown chitchatting with the anesthesiologist on the long cold walk to the operating room.

I laid down on the narrow cold table.  I got comfortable and covered with warm blankets, and met my nurse Jolene.  It was a strange moment for me.  It was like life stood still for a moment in time.  I had really only allowed myself to get that far in my mind.  There were so many unknowns for me with this surgery.  They condition and deformities in my knee along with the uncommon aspect of my age really put so many things up in the air.  So, I decided to only go so far in my mind.  Just get to the operating room, be brave, and do it.  I felt like I really had taken a deep breath, jumped, and now I was just falling.  Not really knowing where I would land.

I woke up well.  Better than any other surgery I had ever been in.  They did not give me general anesthesia and it was such a good experience that way.  I felt pretty good, and was not in a lot of pain.  In fact, a groom that I had shot pictures of was a nurse and I had a good conversation and was able to catch up a little while I was in recovering coming out of the surgery.  It’s a small world…

It was a good feeling to be back with Dan.  To see his face this time was not hard at all, no more tearing up.  I was so glad to hold his hand and have him near me and be awake and to have it all done.  He was such an amazing care giver while I was in the hospital.  He jumped to help me at any little moment.  They gave me a common combination of pain killers to help with my pain and as you could guess with my sensitive system they did not set too well.  I looked at Dan suddenly to warn him I was going to throw up, and before he could even react I had passed out and was throwing up and things were a bit scary.  He yelled for help, and was able to turn my head to keep me from ingesting everything. That really set the tone for the next 4 days.  I struggled with passing out, I was in a lot of pain because they had to modify pain treatment, and it was all very challenging.  The first and second days were the worst, but things seemed to get better from there.  On top of everything else I was also pumping milk to try to keep my milk supply up for Olive.  I froze hundreds (literally) of ounces of breast milk in preparation for the surgery, so that she would not skip a beat while I was out.  But, non the less with the toll that the drugs, the surgery, and everything else had on my body it was hard to pump and keep things going.  If you have ever stayed in the hospital over night you know it is not the best sleep of your life.  Every couple of hours the nurses were in to change ice packs, and take vitals, and bring pain pills, and then I added 20 minutes of pumping and I was really feeling beyond exhausted.

My mom brought my babies in every day to see me.  That was by far the highlight of my days.  I needed that.  It was good to talk to my older two, and stay in touch with them, and it was so wonderful to hold Olive and see her smile and just be with her.  I could only handle a brief visit, but those are what kept me going those days in the hospital.  A few minutes of face time every evening to tell the kids good night completed what seemed like endless days in the hospital.

I was so excited to finally be going home.  I was getting around slowly with a walker, and spending the rest of my time in the CPM machine that constantly moved my knee.  If I was not in that I was doing physical therapy.  It was a LOT of down time.  My mom was keeping my house and my life in perfect order.  My kids did not skip a beat with her there, and everything was going as planned and running smooth.  It was great!  I thought to myself, a couple of weeks of this and I will be golden.  I thought for sure I would be moving slowly, but that I would soon be back to the old me and be up cooking dinner and doing what I could.

That weekend, my mom headed home and my older sister Shellee came up from Lehi to relieve her and help me out.  I was glad my mom could leave and get a rest, and it was so fun to have Shell there.  Not only did she take excellent care of me, but she is just one of those people that is just fun to be around.  She is so happy and easy to talk to and laugh with, and in that moment that is exactly what I needed.  Even though I was flat on my back, and in a lot of pain, I had a great time having her there.

My knee was sore, but all of that was expected.  That poor joint had been through a lot!

I was only home for a few days and it just felt like I was just not getting better.  I still felt so so so sick.  Saturday night we all went to bed, and by 3am I was up in pain and a fever of 104.8.  I looked at Dan and said we have to go to the emergency room.  Something is not right…

Everyone has a story.  Everyone has had trials in their life.  Some are much harder than others, but everyone has had them.  This year will be the accumulation of a lifetime of trials for me.  It will be the end of one story and the beginning of a new one.  Let me explain.

When I was 9 years old I was doing what I did most days.  I was helping my family clean our home.  My mom asked me to pick up a puzzle that my sister and I had been playing.  I knelt down on the carpet to pick it up and landed on a sewing machine needle.  I rocked back to find the needle sticking out of my jeans.  I remember feeling just a little pressure but it was not painful at all.  My older sister was close by and she was the first one to me and she took a hold of it and pulled it straight out.  My mom was there shortly after, and as we all examined the needle, the end was gone.  None of us really panicked.  I felt fine.  I could move my leg with no pain what so ever, so we ran through different possibilities and we all agreed that the needle could have been broken off when I knelt down on it.

My mom, dad, and older sister left for the evening and my little sister and I headed to the bottom of the pasture to the rock pile that gave us hours of enjoyment.  After hours of playing all of the sudden I was in instant and pretty severe pain.  My little sister ran across the three acres back to the house to get our little red wagon.  With everything that she had my little sister pulled me home.  She was 3 years younger than I was and it was not easy for her (she was 6 year old).  By the time we got home we were both in tears…

Later that evening when my parents got home we headed into the hospital.  After a quick x-ray it was clear that the tip of the missing needle was in my knee.  It had worked it’s way to the center of the joint and was sticking right into the meniscus.  The next day I had surgery to remove the needle and that was that.  They sent me home to recover and all was well.

9 weeks in ICU in a hospital an hour and a half away from my home and numerous surgeries latter my knee was a mess.  It took years to heal it, but the damage caused by the infection changed it from that day forward and left me with a very deformed joint.  My life would be full of tails, heart aches, and frustrations with regards to my knee.  But from where I stand today, I am grateful for them all.

A few years ago I decided that the routine cortisone shots that I got every 90 days were not doing much anymore.  So, my Dr. suggested a different type of steroid shot.  I had an allergic reaction to it, and things just started to go down hill fast.  I since have tried everything that was available to me and nothing really helped the situation I was now in.  I can no longer do the low impact exercises that I use to enjoy.  I can’t clean through my house or even go to the grocery store without being in a lot of pain.  I feel like I am constantly dragging around this leg that does not match the rest of me.  It has been frustrating.

So, today I am taking a deep breath, and I am jumping.  Jumping into a new trial, a new story, a new life.  I am having a full knee replacement.  It is scary, daunting, upsetting, and exciting all at the same time.  I have consulted with numerous Dr’s and I feel really good about my decision.  It has been a long time coming, and I have had a really tough time knowing that the next few months for me are going to be challenging, but I am as ready as I can be.  I have decided that it would be easier to have this done now with a new born to hold rather than a toddler to chase.   The youngest person that my Dr. has done this surgery on is a 43 year old male.  I am 10 years younger than that and this is frighting to literally jump into the unknown.  I am somewhat banking on the idea that technology will advance over the next 20-30 years to compensate for my age, and I hate that idea.  However, I am missing out on the prime of my life, and so I will take what comes down the road and try to enjoy every moment that I have now.

Wish me luck, and hopefully when this is all over with I can say I made the right decision!

{The original blog post on this was written on October 17th 2011 the evening before I was scheduled to go into surgery.  I was setting at my computer finishing work, my mind was racing, I was ready to be open but still feeling very guarded.  I just could not release it that night, something in me just couldn’t do it.  In 10 hours I was scheduled for surgery.  Major surgery.  At age 33, I was having a full knee replacement on my left knee as a result I sustained as a child in the summer of 1987.  Originally I had planned to share with my blog readers the journey I was embarking on.  I knew it was going to be difficult and and I was frightened, but decided to be brave and that now was the time.  In actuality, you are reading this post two months after my surgery date.  Things did not exactly go as planned, and a lot has happened.  I want you to know that I am ok.  Up until now I have not been ready or able to share this experience, but today I decided it was time to let you know what is going on just on a sleight delay.  This is hard for me to share as you all know I am very private person.  This is the most personal challenge of my ife, and only my close friends and family have been very evolved with and I could not be more grateful.  Now I am ready to share it with you… my friends.  Here is my story.}

1987 St. John’s Medical Center, Jackson Hole, Wyoming (9 years old).  This is the only picture I have of me in the hospital.